Infectious Guilt

Well, I am sick. Actually, I am getting over it now. I think I was infected by my cousin when I went to visit for a funeral. Usually I am infected by carrier monkies--oops, I mean "children--when I visit. This time, though, my adult cousin assured me she wasn't sick anymore before hugging me. Uh huh. The worst part is that I got S sick, and I feel awful for that. He took care of me the last 11 days. Then, bam. I thought we were in the clear. Apparently not.

Aside from wishing I could do anything to have him not be sick, I am reflecting on surviving this cold. See, a few years back, I had a horrible sickness that lasted over 3 months. I lost my hearing, had to have my eardrum vacuumed, and basically went slowly insane. I had no control over my body or senses. It was very hard on me. Before that episode, I didn’t care about getting sick. It was just something you got through. Since then, though, I have been panicked about it. This cold was the first time I didn’t freak out. I tolerated it. I was patient. And I had someone who loved me caring for me.

S really did take care of me, too. He even researched remedies online and rubbed essential oil in the soles of my feet to help me stop coughing. I didn't expect that. Maybe I didn't think I was worth it. In a way, it was reminiscent of my mom when I was younger. I can't explain it. It was just like I was safe and loved. And the last time I was sick, my situation was far different. Anyway, I have ended up having to take steroids because my lungs got inflamed and I got the dreaded “seal bark” cough of asthma. I am getting through, though. And S is dealing with the barking.

I just hope he gets over this quickly. I can’t stand to see him suffering. I also feel awful because I infected him. Plus, he is so used to being on his own that he doesn’t let me help him much. He doesn’t ask for help. He doesn’t want to take help. I, on the other hand, whined and he looked after me. I felt so loved. I wish I could return that for him.

I am also worried because I don’t know if I am a great comforter. My main example of comforting comes from my mom. She always seemed to know just what to do to make me feel better. So I try to remember those things to do. It is just hard knowing how much comforting he wants. I also ask a lot of questions, which can be annoying. “Would you like some tea?” “Can I get you some Chloraseptic?” “Do you need anything?” I sound like a broken record. So, I am giving him his space and hoping he lets me know if he needs anything. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, but I don’t want to be a pest. I tread such a fine line.

And I think I am leaning toward pest.

P.S. To everyone who has seen me in public: I don’t have the swine flu. Everyone who has a cough does not have it. You don’t need to run the other direction. (But I can understand why you do… because I usually do when I see you cough.)