Depression

I have struggled with depression pretty much my whole life. I went the anti-depressant route for a while, and, while it works wonders for some, it wasn't for me. I do remember reading the ad for Cymbalta before I started it: Do you feel down? Do you have muscle aches and pains? Do you cry? Do you breathe? I was like, "Yes! Yes! This is me!" And, yes, I naively thought that all my problems would be solved by a little blue pill. The problem is that those symptoms apply to practically every human being on the planet. Yet, without any discussion, my doctor quickly wrote a prescription for it.

The problem came when I realized that this pill isn't going to magically change my life. So, when I tried to get off of it, and had to actually go on another medication in order to do so, I went through my own personal hell-phase: shocks in my head, moodiness, nausea, headaches. It was pretty bad. Of course, when I told the doctor about the symptoms, she had her nurse tell me that "perhaps you should talk to someone because that doesn't happen." Apparently they were under the impression I was making it all up. I love how doctors can write you any number of prescriptions for drugs but then are oblivious to the after-effects of them. Thankfully I went online and discovered that a LOT of people had the same withdrawal symptoms I did. I can't remember where I found it now, but some angel had posted that L-Glutamine could help with the side effects, including the horrific shocks in my head. It works. Within days, thankfully, I was feeling better. (Of course, when I told my doctor this she denied that there was any correlation between the L-Glutamine and the shocks.)

Anyway, since those days years ago, I did actually go to therapy--which I think should be a requirement for anyone on anti-depressants--and have changed my life in many ways. I actually really changed my life. Almost entirely. I think I was the happiest I had been. I accepted myself, faults and all, and I think that is the key. It is like in accepting yourself, you find the power to change yourself. Weird dichotomy.

However, I am having a hard time again. I feel that I am becoming more and more depressed. I can identify certain reasons why, but it is like I am down in a well sometimes and can't crawl out. I try so hard for S to not show how bad it really is. I'm also incredibly exhausted and am working with a new doctor to try to find out why. There are a lot of things going on. I think the crux of it, though, is that I am back at a point where I don't like myself again. In retrospect, the key to everything was acceptance, and I have lost that. I'm just not sure how to find it again.

I guess it comes down to something my therapist once said, and I will paraphrase: "I can sit and look at someone laying in a bed and tell him or her all the reasons in the world to get up. In the end, though, he or she is the only one who can take the action."

I think I need some action. Perhaps not of the Bruce Willis yippie-kai-yay variety, but I need start somewhere. Maybe I should go rent Driving Miss Daisy or something and start slow.