I had a dream last night

While I am not trying to quote the Butthole Surfers, I did, in fact, have a dream last night. I had a dream that I was back in a twisted version my not-so-distant old life. In the dream, I missed calling S because of X and something that was happening... I don't know what. Then S was trying to reach me the next day, and I couldn't answer my cell. I wanted to text him, but I couldn't because of X. I knew S would be worried, because he really does get worried about me in real life, and I was frantic to reach him; it was like I "needed" to... and I couldn't. I woke up with a gnawing sense of panic.

The dream made me realize that I truly am at a point where I can't imagine my life without S. I've known this for a while, but I didn't really feel the all-encompassing "know it" until last night. Every once in a while I try to convince myself that he would be better (healthier, less stressed) without me even though he says he is happier with me. I just know I can be difficult to deal with, depressed, and a litany of other annoying traits. So I sometimes get in these masochistic moods where I tell myself that he will leave eventually and that I need to remember that fact.

I guess that fear is actually very common for people who are divorced or who were cheated on. I watched the overly-womany-to-the-point-of-being-slightly-nauseating "The Women" and Candice Bergen's character describes the post-cheating feeling perfectly, even years later:

"It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach, feels like your heart stopped beating, feels like that dream you know the one when you are falling and you want so desperately to wake up before you hit the ground but its all out of your control, you cant trust anything anymore, no one is who they say they are, your life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of the whole ugly experience is no one will be able to break your heart like that again."

I know S could break my heart... I know he could break it because I have given it to him. I think that adds a fear to me that I never felt before--kind of like when I first realized that trust could be broken. Now I am scared it will be. I feel things for S that I never felt before... things that I don't want to feel with anyone else. I've made myself more vulnerable to him than I ever have to anyone else. I don't know if he realizes that... I think he does, but I don't know if he comprehends it. I think, though, that we both are going to new trust levels with each other, going farther than we each have let ourselves go before. I don't know if he knows what it feels like to try to trust someone again, especially after what I went through--and because of that I still hold back. I also think it is because I have opened up so much that sometimes I feel the need to backpedal, so I won't get kicked down again.

Regardless, I know after the dream I know how much I need him and want to share my life with him. I knew it before, and I've told him before, but there was something that happened last night. Suddenly the thought of not having him feels so much more real, and so much more raw. While I appreciate the magnitude of the dream, and I believe it satisfied a need or question on some unconscious level, I think tonight I need to ease out and go back to dreaming of fluffy pink bunnies dancing the Macarena.

A la tuhuelpa legria Macarena
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena
A la tuhuelpa legria Macarena
Eeeeeeh Macarena
A-Hai!